Defending Hillary (and Bill)

By Bob Schildgen

When are the right-wing bloggers and their fans gonna get over the Clintons? They just don't let up spewing out the nastiest hatred of the Clintons and zinging it around cyberspace. Really vicious stuff, a lot of taunts about sex.

Imagine 100 years from now. Alien beings attack Earth, poised to take over the planet. The descendants of these right wing idiots no longer have to use Fox or other such primitive technology to make their deranged attacks, they can actually holler directly into your brain through electrodes embedded there. These sons and daughters of the counter-revolution would scream, "It's the goddam Clintons' fault! That damn Hillary, that brazen crypto-lesbo liberal bitch. She sold us out to these alien beings! She’s Satan’s whore I tell you, she made a pact with the Devil, Bill was her pimp and that’s why we’re being attacked!"

The current day neo-fascists are sexual deviants, that much is obvious. But the latest Clinton bash e-mailed by my favorite right-wing informant is kind of a relief, being about death instead of sex. It's a list of 47 people associated with the Clintons all of whom died by gunshot wound, suicide, stabbing, or in some other violent manner, e.g.,

1-James McDougal - Clinton's convicted Whitewater partner died of an apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr's investigation.

2 -Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.

3- Vince Foster - Former White House councilor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock's Rose Law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.

Well, ALMOST all of them. After number 35, who got killed in a "set-up robbery," the compiler runs out of steam, and merely lists a dozen Clinton bodyguards who are dead, without explaining how they checked out. But they are dead, and any dead person who knew the Clintons could've been their victim, or the victim of a friend of Clinton's who the Clintons haven't yet killed but probably will to cover up the earlier hit that they authorized.
The message concludes ominously, in big letters and color, "Pass this on. Let the public become aware of what happens to friends of the Clinton's!

HILLARY FOR PRESIDENT? SURELY YOU JEST!!

Are you sure YOU'RE safe, or do you qualify as a friend of "the Clinton's." You never know. You might not be safe just declaring your non-friend statues. To keep their hitmen from whacking you, you must go read "Preempting Hillary," my mean-spirited attack on Hillary that details her real crime story--her vote for a pointless, evil, and expensive war that killed over 3,000 U.S. and coalition soldiers and maybe 100,000 ordinary Iraqi men, women, and children. Then forward this piece to everybody you know. That should keep you safe.

Just to put things in perspective, I mentioned this sobering data, and referred him to the article. I also included a list of the first 47 troops killed in Iraq, to drive home the point.

(You can find a complete list of the dead soldiers at www.icasualties.org/oif/Civ.aspx But be careful. It can bring you to tears to read through it and see how young most of them and how many came from small towns, and how the only chance they had to see the world was go to boot camp and Iraq.)

Then I got all worried about his security. Since he seems to like war and admires all things military, maybe when he reads this he'll start to love Hillary like a fellow warrior, and turn around and become a FRIEND OF THE CLINTONS and put himself in harm's way. But to my great relief, I realized he'll soon get another right-wing e-mail to set him straight, saying, "Yeah, sure, Hillary's a warrior all right, but she's one of those ancient man-hating lesbo warriors like the Amazons, that ruthless tribe of brassy ballbusters that'd slice off a breast so it wouldn't get in the way when they pulled the arrow to cock the bow"--and he'll be safe and sound, back on the list of non-friends of the Clintons, fuming about self-inflicted mastectomies and heartless feminist agendas.

After putting my mind at ease, I got to poking and pestering some numbers and discovered that the original right-wing Clinton statistic DON'T MEAN JACK DOODLY anyhow if you actually do the math. Every year in the USA there are about 6,000 killed on the job, 16,000 murders, 32,000 suicides, 42,000 car-accident fatalities, and 120,000 deaths from botched surgeries or misuse of medications. That adds up to 216,000 deaths a year that you COULD blame on evil-doers—and that's not even counting assorted suspicious fatalities, like home and playground accidents, unclassified freak accidents, and the fatal results of broken hips, which are always blamed on old age and osteoporosis, etc., when they might emanate from sinister political forces. OK. With a population that averages out to about 250,000,000 over the past 40 years (200 million in 1970 almost 300 million today) that's about one "mysterious" death per year for every 1157 people you know. So if you knew just 1157 folks over a 40-year period YOU TOO could be hooked up to almost 40 "mysterious" deaths! Of course the Clintons know and have known way MORE people than you do (Good Lord, they've probably hugged more babies than your total), so the Clintons' 47 possibly-strange-and mysterious-death-toll is actually WAY LOWER than average, and the REST OF US are the truly murderous ones!!

On top of playing with these numbers, I launched into some gory rememberings: Over the past 40 years, I've known about 20 people who were murdered, and a lot more who committed suicide, so I too could be responsible for whacking even more people than the Clintons. But I swear, I DIDN'T ORDER A SINGLE ONE OF THESE EXECUTIONS! Honest!!! Please, please, please, don't jump to conclusions and spam your e-pals with a report of these crimes!

Oh, I'm not going to send my informant these mathematical items, because they could lure him back to Clinton friendship and possible mysterious death.